Oh, straight people. We love you. We really do. But sometimes, the novelty of the LGBTQ+ experience can lead to some uncomfortable (dare I say offensive) questions. Especially when it comes to family building.

We want you to show interest and support. We do! But certain questions & comments can be hurtful and frustrating to aspiring gay parents who already have to jump through so many hoops to start a family.

Here are some things to avoid saying, and some more supportive alternatives:

1. “So will you just mix it together and guess whose it is?”

Ok, let’s break this down. While I love a good “sperm-mix” as much as the next gay guy, this isn’t really how embryo creation works. But the scientific explanation is for another post. The reason that this question can feel offensive to gay male couples is because it treats a very expensive & sensitive process like a game. We aren’t doing a guessing game in building a family. In fact, we have to make hundreds of decisions that many straight couples without fertility issues don’t. Furthermore, the intended parents may have complex feelings about whose sperm is used and the biological paternal relationship, so talking about a potential baby as if it only belongs to the biological dad can be off-putting. In summary: this question reflects a sense of irreverence and proprietorship that feels icky for many same-sex couples.

Alternatively, try: “This is so exciting. If you’re comfortable sharing, I’m curious to learn more about the process, but no worries if not! I know it’s personal.”

2. “What are you going to say when they ask who their mom/dad is?”

Whether a child is adopted, born through surrogacy, or through a sperm donor, this is a very complicated and personal question. Conversations about biological parentage can be challenging for non-traditional parents, and there is no right way to handle it. There are some amazing resources and tools available to support LGBTQ+ families in giving their kids ownership of their origin story, but for many kids it will be a complex issue. When people ask you to explain how you’ll handle it, the subtext can feel like “this is weird to me, so please explain how you’ll make it less weird.” It feels like a coded test about how you are going to parent and whether you can handle the challenges of it. There is judgment baked in.

Another way of asking about this would be: “How special that your kids are going to have their own unique origin story – so many people came together to bring them into the world! Are you excited to tell them the story of how they came to be?”

3. “Why don’t you just adopt?”

Adoption is beautiful and such a special way to build a family. While it’s a brilliant path for many, queer people should not feel guilty or ashamed if their desire is to have biological children. We are evolutionarily programmed to desire that! It’s ok! Would you ever ask a straight couple who wants children this question? No.

Try this instead: “I’d love to hear more about your family planning if you’re comfortable sharing! There are so many ways to build a family!”

4. “How much does it cost?”

In general, I am a proponent of transparency around money. There should be no shame in talking about money. We live in a capitalist society and should be able to discuss this silent force that shapes all of our lives. HOWEVER…in the scenario of donation and surrogacy, this question can be intrusive. It’s not an expense we all have to contend with – like our rent or groceries or car insurance – it’s a major financial hurdle for a select sector of the population. And to ask people to share that information can be very revealing and/or misleading about their financial standing. Many queer couples take out loans, need help from family, or even take on debt to start a family. Just know that it’s probably costing a lot and is likely a big stressor on the intended parents.

If you must know about money, try giving a better out: “Are there any good resources you can recommend around the financial part of the process?” This invites them to share, but also doesn’t put pressure on it.

5. “Did you see that documentary about the fertility doctor who-“

Stop right there. Yes, we’ve all heard about it. And no, we don’t want to think about that scenario. Thank you, and goodnight.

In Conclusion

Look, we know you mean well. Starting a family is an exciting journey, and we’re thrilled to share it with our loved ones. But it’s also a deeply personal and sometimes challenging process, especially for LGBTQ+ couples. The most important thing is to approach these conversations with sensitivity, openness, and genuine support.

Remember, every family’s journey is unique. Instead of making assumptions or asking potentially invasive questions, simply express your love and excitement for your friends. Let them know you’re there to support them however they need, whether that’s lending an ear, offering a helping hand, or just giving them space when they need it.

If you want to go a step further, nothing says “I’m an ally” like a thoughtful card or book. I recommend Maggie Nelson’s “The Argonauts” which captures the bliss, humor, vulnerability, and fundamental queerness of family building. For those looking to educate themselves further on LGBTQ+ family building, I highly recommend “The Ultimate Guide to Pregnancy for Lesbians” by Rachel Pepper. While the title specifies lesbians, it’s an invaluable resource for many queer couples navigating the complex world of fertility treatments and family planning.

Now go and keep doing what you do, straighties! Thanks for the effort! We love ya!

Note: I earn from qualifying purchases made through the affiliate links in this post. Awin.